Ok, first off, I need to clarify the title.  I am in no way trying to persuade my friend from getting hitched today.  He’s not my type, and my wife would be beyond pissed.  This is a letter FOR my friend, not TO my friend (amazing how a simple grammatical change totally changes the connotation).  This friend/co-worker has expressed on numerous occasion his love (or at least a heavy like) for my writing, as as he is getting hitched today, I figured what better gift to give him than a dedication for his wedding (plus I’m a cheap bastard and didn’t buy him anything).

I’ve known R for almost two years now.  We work together… well, I work, not quite sure what he does at that billing office all day that he claims takes up so much of his time :).  R is a nerd/geek type, to the point where in certain topics, his nerdery rivals even my own.  This has it’s advantages, seeing as how we can clear a room in mere seconds after busting into a conversation about who was the most diabolical and powerful Sith Lord (For you non-nerd types, that’s a Star Wars bad guy…and I still think the most diabolical is my ex-wife, even if she isn’t technically included in Star Wars cannon).  Beyond this, he’s the one whom I bounce off writing ideas, my joke guinea pig, and my first draft editor with a hell of a better eye for grammer and spelling than I do.  (see what I did there?)

Between trading sci-fi quips, quoting obscure movies, and trying to outdo each other with Youtube clips, I am delighted to say that after a hard night’s work, he can always get me laughing.  There is however a topic of conversation though that, while generally not involving lightsabers and the Force, captures his attention like a fangirl meeting Nathan Fillion: M.

If memory serves, the first time he mentioned M to me, they were in the middle of an argument.  I have no idea what it was about, and likely I had just mentally put on the Peanut’s teacher filter (wha wha, wha wha whaaa).  The thing that made me turn off said filter was the look on his face, like that of someone who had just watched their dog get hit by a tractor trailer.  Whatever the argument was, most likely something incredibly minor, it devastated him.  He was almost non-functional, like a 12 year old girl who got punished from going tot he Justin Beiber concert.  The only thing he could focus on was resolving the tiff, and that’s when I realized, this dude had it BAD.  So bad that if things went south with M, I would likely come into work the next week to find R in the fetal position under his desk with a 3 day growth of beard, 6 empty bottles of cheap scotch and two dozen empty containers of Top Ramen noodles.  

It’s obvious, particularly since those two kids are getting married today, that things worked out for the best, and I’m here to say hooray and best of luck, especially because I have a stake in this.  For the last few weeks I’ve gotten to watch the supernatural talent of R literally floating a few inches off the floor, glowing with radiance typically found in new mothers and Bruce Leroy.

Between the floating, the nervous excitement, the Facebook post dripping with cuteness, it’s official, I am in complete and total sugar shock.  By the time I left work on Wednesday I was almost in full diabetic ketoacidosis (for you non-medical types, that’s when your body can’t break down sugar anymore).    The world can only take so much cute before there are psychokinetic results.  

I haven’t met M yet, though I’m sure in time I will.  According to my wife, the woman has to be a saint if R’s geek quotent is similar to mine.  This is a woman who is allowing Star Wars to play a role in the wedding….even I couldn’t pull that shit off.  All I wanted was the Queen/Flash Gordon Wedding March to be played.  😦

The fact is, M, you make R the happiest, lovesick puppy I know.  He’s more into you than John Hinkley was into Jodie Foster…without the whole pesky assassination attempt thing.  He would follow you through Hell and back with a smile on his face, all the while asking if you needed more sunscreen, and I get the impression from him that you’d do the same.  I wish the two of you nothing but the best, and in closing, here are a few pieces of advice for you two:

1. M: If you ever have problems getting R away from he TV, Playstation, Computer, Video Games, Cell Phone or an other electronic device, just stand in front of him wearing this:



Like Lando says, “it works every time!”

2. R: If/when the concept of kids come into the picture, remember that whatever you name them will stick with them FOR LIFE!!!!  I had a friend who named their kid Anakin…that dude killed younglings!!!!  Might sound cool now, but he still killed younglings.  That would be like naming your kid Stalin or something.  Plus, if your kid hates the franchise you name him after, they’ll tell all their friends how YOU named them off of some NERD show or book or something.  Remember, you will be the ones paying the therapy bills.  So do what I did, sneak nerdy references into middle names.  My wife didn’t figure out my son’s nerdy middle name until we walked out of Tron: Legacy and I was greeted with this:

3. M: With the job R and I both have, we are often called upon to work odd hours, often at the absolute last minute.  It will drive you INSANE (it certainly does with my wife).  Just remember, he’s not enjoying it either, is likely as angry about it as you are, and is doing it because he must.  Plus, you’ll get to spend his overtime!  R: You can often soften the blow of overtime with flowers, jewelry, or trips to Ruth’s Chris.  Trust me, I know.

4. R/M: If indeed you have children, particularly male children, remember that a boy’s “parts” at like Death Blossom in The Last Starfighter.  If he starts to pee sans diaper, you WILL not escape.  R: as gross as it is, your duty is to act as a human shield and dive in front of the biological weapon…it’s gross but eventually you get used to the taste of pee.

5. R/M: Remember that you WILL fight.  Also remember that bad times are temporary and before you know it they’ll be gone, just like Firefly.  

6. Finally, both of you have the time of your lives today, because it is exactly that.  Don’t worry about making sure you get the perfect picture, that the caterer serves the chicken first, or spending enough time with Aunt Edna whom you haven’t seen in 37 years and smells of prunes.  Focus on each other, and having a time you’ll be proud to tell your grandkids about.  

Also, M: my wife wanted me to tell you not to let R drink anywhere near as much alcohol as I did I my wedding.  Painting the venue’s bathroom walls with puke is not very dignifying, can ruin your tux, and will make you give an obnoxious tip to make up for the impending clean up job the bar has for them.  

I hope you both have a fantastic time today, and the rest of your lives.  Good luck, God Bless, May the Force be With You, So Say We All.